David asked:

I am trying to find a answer to the question, "What does that person really think of me?". I've applied
the knowledge I have of the thought process. My question to you would be, "What philosophers have
covered this topic?" The rest of this email is what I have been able to put together on my
understanding of what makes a person likable to others.

An individual's subconscious (or lower order thoughts) assigns a feeling/ emotion to each person who
that individual interacts with. Along with that feeling/ emotion, a representation is also assigned to that
person.

Some examples of the feeling/ emotion assigned are love, hatred, pleasant, or tolerance.

Examples of the representation assigned are troublemaker, provider, companion, enemy, etc.

More then one representation can be assigned, such as a companion/ provider, or a troublemaker/
instigator. This all takes place subconsciously and we are unaware that our brain is subconsciously
categorizing each person we meet.

These emotions combine with the representation creating a mental state. This mental state dictates
how we interact with that person.

If you were at home bored, looking for someone to call, it would reasonable to assume that you would
call someone that your subconscious has given a pleasant feeling and companion representation to.

If you were at home trying to get your computer to work properly, and in need of help, you would call
a person you have given a provider representation to so they could provide you with the information
and help that you need. This person could possibly have a tolerance emotion associated with them.
Or you could call someone with a pleasant emotion associated, that has a companion/ provider
representation.

The person/ people you decide to interact with is decided by what you need at that present time.
Humans are selfish by nature; whether you need companionship (someone to watch the game with
you) or a service (someone to install your satellite dish so you can watch the game). Our mental state
(derived from emotion/ feeling and representation) is subject to constant change depending on our
needs at that time.

When you meet new people, a feeling/ emotion and representation is still assigned upon first contact.
This is a first impression. These initial feeling and representations are subject to change. Only after
repeated contact with a person do you have a set feeling/ emotion and representation assigned to
them.

Our subconscious also applies these emotions and representations to animals. We might have a
fearful emotion with a predator representation for a lion, but a compassionate emotion with a
helpless/ needy representation for a stray puppy. Once again, these emotions and representations
combine to form a mental state. This mental state would cause us to run from a lion. On the other
hand, the mental state created by seeing a stray, hungry puppy would prompt us to help the stray
puppy.

When a person asks you, What do you think of me?, that person is essentially asking you two
questions, What emotion or feeling do you associate with me? and What representations have you
assigned me?

We do have limited control over the representation and feeling/ emotion a person assigns us. The
emotion that we are assigned come from the general feeling or vibe that person gets from us. We
have almost no control over this because the feeling is drawn from the other persons past
experiences and how we parallel those experiences. An agreeable attitude and a smile would give us
a friendly emotion association, whereas a frown and restlessness would give us that person a
suspicious feeling about us.

We do have a lot of control concerning the representation assigned to us. We can mediate our action
(verbal and physical) to mimic the representation we would like to have. Such as constantly helping
out would put us in the provider category. If we seemed to know the answer to that person's
problems, then we would be given a wise man representation.

Our actions dictate how the other person will view, perceive, and classify us. Although emotions are
more primal and people tend to go with those, by having control of the representation aspect, we can
somewhat direct their mental state towards us.

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It must've been hard work to organize your ideas about the thoughts and feelings we have for others.
It's all pretty clear and coherent. But although what you argue makes sense to me, it sounds more like
a way of looking at things, a model, rather than an explanation.

It is impossible to be rigorous and scientific when discussing emotions, and this leads many
philosophers to dismiss such discussions as not really philosophy at all. Emotions are easier to
express or evoke, rather than pin down with descriptions; hence much poetry, music and art.

Nevertheless, here is a question that people really want to know the answer to — what do other
people think of them; and equally, what do they think of other people.

"What does that person reallythink of me?" has implicit in the question the understanding that
another person may be lying or otherwise concealing what they really think. People aren't always
honest. What do we really want — to read their mind and discover their most secret private thoughts?

It's not socially acceptable to march nosily up to someone and baldly ask "What do you think of me?"
If you did it, you'd be likely to provoke a lying, or at least not completely truthful, response, perhaps
for the sake of politeness. Total honesty can be terribly rude — we call it tactlessness. Maybe it is
better that we don't know how people think about us in their private, secret thoughts. It might be
shocking.

In finding out what a person thinks of us, we can only go by what they say and what they do. There's
nothing else we can get at. I suppose people's actions are less likely to be deceptive than their words.
It's easy enough to say nice things about someone you don't like that much, but you would be less
likely to bother to invite them round for dinner, say. What about those people who swap addresses
with you and passionately declare that you mustkeep in touch, then never or hardly ever contact you
again? You might've thought they must like you, if they want to swap addresses, but this is merely a
convention which for some reason is considered polite. If they never actually write, they obviously
didn't like you thatmuch — their actions give them away.

So here are two ways of getting a better idea of what a person really thinks of you: you either need
some reason to feel sure they are telling you the truth (perhaps there is simply nothing to be gained
by lying; or they have said they will do something for you and then actually carried it out several times
in the past). Or, you need to pay attention to what they do rather than what they say. (Do they keep in
touch? Do they speak/ write formally or informally to you? Do they make time to meet up with you?)

The other aspect of the question "What does that person really think of me?" I find equally interesting
— "What do I really think of that person? (and why?)" I have thought about this quite a lot. I tried
making a list of characteristics that several people I found attractive seemed to me to possess (e.g.
casualness of appearance, sensitivity, interesting ideas, humour). But this is an analysis trying to
make sense of a feeling that's already happened. The feeling seems to arise without thought — I
don't decidewhat to feel about somebody, whether to like them or not. What isthat feeling of
attraction or aversion? We struggle to put it into words. Maybe it's some kind of animal instinct — we
have the ability to quickly decide who is our friend or our enemy, who is likely to help us or fight us. If
so, evolutionary biology, psychology, anthropology might all be able to help us understand.

A couple of comments: you make the assumption that "Humans are selfish by nature", but not
everyone agrees with this. How is it that a person might decide to phone an acquaintance they
thought would need comfort after the death of a close relative, for example? It is hard to explain this
convincingly in terms of selfishness.

Our 'verbal and physical actions' are not the only things other people observe about us that we can
control. We choose what clothes to wear, what hair style to have, perhaps also our hair colour,
whether to use cosmetics, what objects to buy and be seen with. These things all influence other
people's opinion of us — indeed, some people choose these things according to what they believe
other people will like and approve of, rather than what they themselves like.

The following philosophy writings all have discussions of affection and/ or aversion:

Sartre: Being and Nothingness

Plato: Symposium

Aristotle: Nicomachean Ethics,Bk VIII "Friendship"

Montaigne: Essays, esp. "De l'amitie" ('On Friendship', or 'On Affectionate Relationships')

Hume: Enquiry concerning the Principles of Morals

Hume Treatise of Human Nature,Bks II and III

Hume Essays,esp. "Of the Dignity and Meanness of Human Nature"

E.R. Emmet: Learning to Philosophize,Ch.5 "Value Judgements"

Katharine Hunt