Ali asked:

I'm a philosophy graduate student from Algeria and I have many questions and ideas that make me
worry, so I need you in order to help in order to get a good solution.

I'm very interested with the marriage a project and I hear many ideas about the criteria choosing of a
future good wife. I heard a radio interview (Arabic service of the B.B.C.) with a professor specializing
in "Family Sociology" that the difference of the speciality of the intellectual couple is very important for
spiritual progress and stability, because it avoids routine (and anxiety if one of the partners feel that
they are handicapped intellectually!). I would personally prefer a wife from the medical profession (a
physician because I am interested in the integration between "Medicine and Philosophy" — it is a title
of an important Magazine from UK).

So, would you mind directing me toward a good choice — because I believe in philosophical
counselling — or would you orient me toward a specialist or articles or websites that give me a
sufficient remedy of my suffering in my present state of indecision?

============

Well this is certainly one of the strangest questions on a philosophy forum... you want marriage
advice? Ok.

Read this: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Gottman, John. This guy can evaluate
a couple and with 90% accuracy tell whether their marriage will work, and he has recently developed
a mathematical model that seems to predict this. Amazing, right? But as far as I can tell it is backed
up with consensual, double-blinded, empirical data.

So, what is it he says? The essence is this: the better friendsyou are with your partner, yes, friends,
as in, "wow I like to hang out with [him/her]", the better your marriage will be. That's it for the big
secret. Now the question becomes, just what exactly is it to be a friend? And that involves, in
essence, respecting and liking the person for themselves. I mean, it all sounds awfully trivial, doesn't
it? But... all the stuff about "love", "attraction", "love at first sight", etc., etc.... not the way to go. Be a
friend who enjoys their company, and you've got it.

Now, the hardpart. How does a man learn to be friendswith a woman... or vice versa? Most cultures
do not teach this, and indeed actively discourage the kind of relating that would lead to learning it and
to such friendships. And look at the problems that result. I don't know the answer to this, for any given
person. It took me about 30 years before I figured it out (and yes, it was before I read this book) and a
great deal of effort in learninghow to see a woman as someone I could be friends with beforegetting
sexually involved. But it got me a good marriage, finally. Good luck!

Steven Ravett Brown

Marriage is an important decision in most cultures, so asking advice is no reason to send you to a
'specialist'.

Mind that seeing marriage as a project is extremely rational. Seeing intelligence as main criterion for
selection in case of marriage is quite rational too, and very limited. Instead I propose to use the word
'creativity' and see intelligence only as part of it.

During evolution humans have got quite clever in choosing a good partner. The trait called attraction
was developed in billions of ages. I agree that this trait was developed for finding a good mating
partner, so as to have successful children. But the trait considered as well the fit of the parents. A bad
marriage mostly leads to traumatized children. Sociology only exists some 300 years, and is a
rational type of sport.

So if you feel attracted to some woman (more than ONLY physically, but that counts too), then learn
to trust that feeling. That means: forget about human made concepts like wealth, appearance,
intelligence, etc.

How do you think wild animals (no offense) find the perfect partner? (science found out they really
do). Just by trusting intuitively on their sense of attraction. As such animals are more effective than
humans. Maybe not every rational criterion is bad, but don't forget about the natural ones.

Henk Tuten